bluetippedhair

Have you ever found a song that felt like it was speaking to you?

Part of me feels like I've been having that nonstop. I guess it's my own fault though, the music is decent, and about half the band's goddamn discography sounds like someone like me was writing it. Which... I mean, what am I supposed to do? Send them fanmail and ask if the inspiration was anything more than teenage poetics and a penchant for supernatural stuff?

On the other hand....

Your childhood home is just power white bones and you'll never find your way back

One for each day I'm inside this house, it's a trap / One I can't quite escape so pretend it's the place that I love

The life that I got but never used

Don't wake me up / Death is misleading / And when I fall asleep / Sleep with a ghost

Okay, that last one is just as much Cass as me, and there's some things that she says resonates with her that don't affect me as much too.

I'll be honest. I cried the first time I figured out what the lyrics were for one of the songs. It just. It sounded too close to this. Whatever this is. Whatever I am. The same trapped, unforgiven, unescapable state.

It's scary when something hits home that much.

I added some more icons.

Still as photogenic as ever, but these should be fun to play around with.

Because expression is nice, sometimes.

Sometimes, it's hard not to be jealous.

I've seen candles used as a metaphor for life several times by now.

A candle's "life" begins when it is lit. Like a baby, it sometimes requires care and nursing until the flame grows to its full size. Candles may have different life spans depending on their size and shape, and yet all eventually will "die" when they are inevitably snuffed, whether by force or by the wick simply burning out.

While lit, a candle can do many things. It can bring cheer, light up a dark room, or ignite just about anything. It can be a sign of worship, a beacon for a lost loved one, or just be used for practical reasons. I know that second one was used with me, not that I had any way of responding. Still, like the candle, people have many different ways of being in their lives. People are diverse, and between jobs, hobbies, and interests, there's got to be as many different ways of life as their are individuals.

But it's not a perfect metaphor, is it?

I mean, when the candle is "dead", the flame is extinguished, leaving a body but no soul. That is what most people can accept, what they can prove, within the real world.

But our souls don't disappear, do they? They may be ripped from the body, but they can't just be extinguished like that.

So where do the flames go?

If we were to extend the metaphor, would there be a ball of light to which the extinguished flames fly until they are needed again? Was it disembodied flames -- ones without a candle -- that ended up over the heads of the apostles in that one bit of scripture from the bible?

Are the flames gone? Or can we just not experience them anymore without a vessel, the candle, to show us that it's really there?


They said that my candle, my light, helped to light up the life of others. They spoke to me as if I were there listening, and yet they'd think Cass crazy if she were to insist that I've really been there all along. So what do they think happened to my flame, and how the hell do they reconcile the mixed messages and metaphors?

...and I guess this is another reason why so-late-it's-early posts are interesting things. Apparently I go all philosophical.

Reincarnation. Ghosts. The things that remain, and the things that don't.

Are there rules to it all?

What if we are bound to certain people? To our soulmate, or soulmates, in a way that lasts beyond our physical bodies? In ways that are directly soul to soul, wound together in inexplicable and wonderful ways, like the red threads of legend.

Is it possible that we carry the same bonds from life to life, assuming that there is a "life to life" at all? Is it possible that the bonds can be so tight that one cannot carry on until all those attached are ready as well?

If so, I'm here because she is. I'm aging because she is. She can see me, because the bond allows her to. This is my home only because it is hers.

That still doesn't explain why I can't leave, though most I've "met" like me can. It would only explain why I can't move on. Though I'm still not sure I want to. And for all I know, that's all it is, too.

Real death is scary, ok?

So what happens when she dies? Am I dooming her to a short life, because mine was curtailed so early? Or will she still have her full natural life, despite me? Can I "last" that long?

Am I in her way? Am I dooming her to a lonely and unfulfilling life?

But what if it really is the house that I'm attached to, at the end of the day? How long until she's committed, or decides she wants real companionship, or she has to move because the house falls into decay? What will happen to me then? Will I be able to survive?

Can this even be called survival?

New theories gives new food for thought. It's annoying that there is no real way to prove or disprove anything, and both remember it and not put anyone's lives at risk needlessly.

I wish there were answers to my questions. Instead, there only ever seems to be more questions and frustrations.

So. To date, we have found....

• Creepy dude who may or may not be a hallucination, but leaning towards the may not because "dad" can see him too.
• Triplet who has the freaky multiples thing going on.
• Me.

....I'm not sure whether to be proud that I'm the most well-adjusted of the three of us, or be frustrated that, even though we follow some of the same patterns.... they know pretty much as little about... what and why were are as I do.

Ok. This is what I remember.

I was in grade one. I was walking home from school. Normally, I walked home with Cass, but her mom had picked her up for a doctor's appointment. (I don't actually remember that, but I've seen and heard the police reports enough, and Cass remembers that part quite well. I just know that I was walking home alone, and that Cass wasn't with me.)

So, I was walking home from school. Alone. For about the fifth time ever, not that I was scared or anything. It was just a little weird. But I was a big boy and though the night was gonna be a little lonely because usually the two of us hung out together until suppertime, I thought I'd get home and do just fine all by myself.

Of course, that was before the shit hit the fan.

So, I was about halfway home. Walking on the sidewalk of Ferris Street (I think), when a van came up beside me. It was big, it was dark -- a black van. I think the windows were tinted, at lesat in the back.

It stopped, just in front of me, on the road. The van door opened, there were three or four men inside. Grown men. One of them... one of them came out and grabbed me.

From there, I remember faling asleep, and waking up dead. In Cass' bedroom.

She screamed, I screamed because she was screaming. Her mom only heard her. That was the first sign that I was gone.

And then there was my mother coming in, distraught. That... was heart-wrenching. I wanted to tell her that I was right here! And I tried! ...but that's about when I learned that, while I was solid to Cass, and to furniture... most other people couldn't see me. And if I couldn't be seen, I could be gone through. Trust me. I never want to see my mom's spleen again.

Discoveries kept coming after that. I can't leave the house, even if I try. And trust me, we tried. Including once involving rolling luggage.

I'm tied to Cass just as much as the house -- I need her around to survive. One day of school is fine, but if she was away for, like, a couple days at camp, I felt weak, could feel myself fading. To be honest? That still freaks me out every time.

I don't need-need food, but I can injest it. I don't need-need other products, but I like blue hair gel.

Sadly, not as much was learned about what happened.

My body? It remains unfound. My captors -- my killers? Unknown. No one believed Cass when she said I was here. And so we both knew I was dead. But the search went on for months -- there's still missing child signs around, though hope has pretty much died. Cass stopped talking to her mom about me, because her mom was starting to think she was crazy.

And, for us, life, whatever this is, goes on.

People also don't believe that ghosts need sleep.

Hah.

Nothing can run on perpetual energy. Even we need downtime sometimes.

Dunno if it's the same or not. It's been too... almost 3/4 of my "life", I've been dead. Guess what I remember better.

But yeah. I need downtime as much as the next.... thing.

Crap, I've just found someone else like me.

But he's destruction. I just... want to live.

I have a new layout.

Honestly, I don't know whether or not I like it. The colourscheme is nice, but it's a little chunky.
At least I don't have to put up with ads for it.

It was between this and Fleur, but I needed the blue, especially with this username.

Now just for... everything else. Hell if I'll ever find perfect icons.