Feb. 10th, 2013

Body

Feb. 10th, 2013 01:29 am
bluetippedhair: (fork in the road)
I'm not sure if I've fully come to terms with the reality of my physical body yet.

The fact is, unless my body is actually somewhere some sort of weird stasis or something, like those movies where bodies are floating in some sort of lava lamp-y goo, there is no way that I would still... be anything more than bone by now.

A six-year-old's body aged for several years, rather than a six-year-old's body that has matured into a young adult's.

I wouldn't fit there. I literally wouldn't belong in my own body. Even if I could return, I wouldn't be comfortable there anymore. But what good's a soul without a body? This form... I'm glad to have it at least, as quirky as it is, don't get me wrong. Though I do wonder if this is what I would really look like, if that body had gotten to this age. It's hard to tell, and that's especially disconcerting.

It still scares me to think that I wouldn't belong there though. Especially since part of me yearns to find it again. To know what happened. To try and go back in, and talk to my mom again. To let her know that I'm okay. To hug her and let her know that everything's going to be alright.

But a skeleton has no lungs, no vocal chords, no muscles, no way of speaking. It would be useless. Pointless.

Still, I haven't come to terms with that. I don't think I can. Maybe I never will, until I actually see proof of what I've become, if I can still call that body "me".

And still I hope that I will be able to say hello to mom and let her know I'm all right for real, one last time.

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